Our Hearts are Restless...

My apologies for not posting in so long, but with school now in full swing, between classes, homework, meetings and events, I have hardly had time to eat and sleep, let alone write! However, it  is exactly this busyness that I would like to talk about, or rather its counterpart - rest. While I knew that this semester would be hard, I didn't think that it would be this hard, or that I would tire out so easily. But today it happened. As I ran about, not only did I feel just tired, I felt utterly exhausted. I don't think I have ever felt this weary before. And on top of my weariness, I felt out of sorts. And so, when I went to my campus ministry's praise and worship service that they hold every Wednesday night, I was looking forward to the time that I could spend praying and praising God, two things that I knew would help me to feel better. What I didn't expect, though, was that the topic for the night would be exactly what I needed! Our topic was "oasis" and in the first talk, one of the other leaders spoke about how in this desert called life, our community can be an oasis, or (and here I am using an analogy from the following talk my campus minister gave), it can be a poisoned well. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head, as I had had an unpleasant experience in a study group earlier that was actually the reason behind why I was feeling out of sorts. As I prayed about this silently, I realized that in all our interactions, it is important to surround yourself with "life-giving" not "life-taking" people. That is, it is important to spend your time with people who will leave you feeling rejuvenated and closer to God, not depressed, hurt or unloved. In the next talk, my campus minister spoke about their own experience of having gone through a time that felt much like journeying across an unforgiving desert, but that if they hadn't gone through it, they would have never realized the oasis that was God waiting for them at the end. While this last part really struck me, it was when, at the end of their talk, my campus minister asked us to be bold and ask God what the oasis was that He was calling us toward that I realized several things about my situation. The first was that I felt so weary because I had had no true rest. To put it another way, I had not been finding my rest in Jesus. Last week, I made changes to my morning prayer routine, but now I realize that I may need to undo the changes and return to my old prayer routine as this seemed to provide me with what I needed to get through the day. I also realized that in not finding my rest in Jesus, I have been relying on my own strength and not on God's - another reason why I am so weary. And in fact, on Sunday, my priest spoke about how being little (in the sense of following Saint Therese of Lisieux's Little Way) meant relying solely on God's strength. Remembering this brought me great comfort as the verse that brought me through my first year of college came back to me: "I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me," (Philippians 4:13). As I prayed about this further, I asked God what leaning on Him and relying on His strength looked like, and this is what came to me: trust. I have to trust that God will help me, that He will give the strength I need for what is asked, that we will not abandon me, that He will listen to me and in His goodness always respond to me (Litany of Trust). I have to trust that His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9), that He has put me here and given me these responsibilities and difficult tasks not to fail, but to flourish for His greater glory. Saint Joan of Arc said, "I am not afraid. I was born to do this." God has known for all eternity that this is exactly where He would bring me. I just have to trust that not only is He present with me now, but that He has been here waiting for me all along, and that if He brings me to it, He will bring me through it. He is "my strength and comfort...my steady hand... [He is] my firm foundation, the rock on which I stand" as we sang tonight, ("Trust in You" by Lauren Daigle). All I have to do is to remember and hope in this promise.

 "Fear not, for I am with thee: turn not aside, for I am thy God: I have strengthened thee, and have helped thee, and the right hand of my just one hath upheld thee," (Isaiah 41:10). 

P.S. I remembered when I started writing this that today is the feast of Saint Augustine, one of my beloved friends in Heaven whom I owe a lot to, and who said "You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You"! 

I love how God knows exactly what we need when we need it most and how He never fails to comfort and encourage us. Blessed be You, O God! 

Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.